I am bitter and upset with the course of events that have played out in my life. I did not choose this life; this life was chosen for me. My Mother told me that she gave up alcohol and prayed for seven years to God so that she could be blessed with me. Well, here I am, with no Mother, no Father, no way out of my thoughts, and the dark depths of my soul. I want to scream, I want to cut myself, make myself feel pain, so I can feel alive again; but I don’t. I feel like I am already dead and non-existent to this planet called Earth.  

My Mother would have wanted more for me than what I am doing with my life, I have not finished college, I am certified in healthcare and graduated as a PCT and I have succeeded in that at least. But I am still nowhere near where I want to be in my educational path. I don’t feel there is really anything in this life that I could even complete or accomplish. I never finish anything I start, and I never end up doing what I say I am going to do. I do not even have a desire to be more proactive in changing my life, I used to, I was able to before to try and be a better human being; but I've lost all hope. Before, I had hope and I had a positive outlook even in the shadows, but now, I just do not care anymore.  

No one can help me, especially when I am not even willing to help myself. I am at work right now on a Monday, April 9th, 2018 and I just want to go into the bathroom and slit my wrists. Maybe eventually, someone will notice I have been gone for too long, or the bathroom stall will carry a smell and the janitor Tony will find me and it will already be too late. It already is too late, I don’t want to live anymore, it has nothing to do with my life being in shambles or I am stressed about the way my life is going. I just don’t want to live anymore, and I feel like there is nothing to be excited about or to look forward to in my near or distant future. 

I have a wonderful young man who is absolutely in love with me and adores the shit out of me and I do not have any idea why. I do not deserve the genuine and honest love of this man. I do love him but I could never love anyone more than myself. I do not think of anyone before myself. I do not care enough. I am a waste of space in this world. No one can save me.